On Grudges

Do you ever lay your heart out on the line only to have someone hurt you and betray your trust? That happened to me recently.

Most days I'm fine, totally back to being my happy-go-lucky self but others I wake up and my heart's on fire. Despite all this, I know that the only path of action is to live and let live. Because I am surrounded by people who love me and have other opportunities, my best path forward is to transform this pain inside myself rather than lashing out. But how do I cope with the feeling that inaction is gonna rip me up inside.

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REPLY: When was the last time someone in a position of power over you hurt you and how did you react?

On desperation

Early in the day, the only solution I could find was calling friends and loved ones and telling them how much pain I was in. This is what desperation looks like: grasping. Reaching for anyone who might steady you.

But I also knew I couldn't stop moving. The grief felt like friction and gravity working together to keep me trapped—don't let it stop you. Keep going through the day even when every step feels pointless or the smallest task feels insurmountable.

At some point I lit a manifestation candle and wished that the people who wronged me realize the error in their ways. Was it spiritual practice or magical thinking? Honestly, I couldn't tell. I just needed to do something with the pain.

And maybe that's the thing. Since I’m not going to take action against whoever hurt you, committing to some course of action—any deliberate move toward healing—can loosen your grip on the ice cold void of the grief. I think that’s my body telling me that without deliberate healing or resolution, these feelings will not resolve themselves.

So I made a choice: no revenge fantasies. No spiraling ruminations. Just me, the pain, and whatever healthy thing I could find to do with it. My hope is that this restraint earns me something down the line. I don't know what yet but that belief is keeping me sane.

The time to seek direct justice is when you cannot recover and grow without it. This is not one of those occasions.

On the work

I went out to do the little bit of work that I needed to take care of today, restocking Angl Pop-up Frames at one of our distributors. But the distraction didn’t last. My partner, G is out of town so when I got home there was nothing to pull me out of the pain of emotionally processing my career breakup. The shards of glass in my heart felt immutable. I put on a record and began to write the nastiest most horrible things I could think of on a piece of paper. My friend T came over, and I read it aloud to her. When I was done, I lit it the paper on fire. I held it until the flames lapped my hands and fingers. Then I let it fall softly to the ground.

"Stomp on it" T said.

I stomped on it.

Journaling Session (KOii's daily routine)

We went inside and I taught T my daily journaling exercise. We did it together. Now you come follow along too!

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Follow along if you like and let me know how this transforms for you. (if you're short on time, write just one manifestation to follow along)

Look out for the ✍️ emoji throughout this exercise—it marks the interactive prompts where you can journal along with me.

My examples are personal to me—yours will be different.

Gratitude

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Write three statements of gratitude
  • I am grateful for T who has been a wonderful friend ever since we first met!
  • I am grateful for the years that I got to spend in the Netherlands.
  • I am grateful to have a father who encouraged me to ask for what I need and showed me how to do it.

Affirmations

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Write three affirmations
  • I am completely content when I make a close friend joyful.
  • I listen intently in conversation and what the speaker tells me about them fills me with interest, wonder and curiosity.
  • Neither my job nor my societal status define me

Manifestations

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Write three manifestations
  • I have a perfectly planned out 2026 and by the end I am going to have a multi-million dollar net worth.
  • I am a multi millionaire. But wait…Why do I want to be rich?
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    This is where I went off the beaten path. Instead of just writing three manifestations like I did with the gratitude and affirmation sections, I was inspired by Jen Sincero's You are a Badass at Making Money to go a step further and ask myself why I wanted to manifest that given reality in which I’m rich the first place.

    ✍️ Pick one of your manifestations and ask yourself why you want it. Then, write "I want..." statements for each reason that comes up.

    • I want to be free. I want to escape my money running out and preventing me from putting my full heart and soul into where they guide me.
    • I don't want to worry if my mother and father will have enough to retire.
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Normally I write all manifestations in what I call the wish-manifest-form but in my first steps past just the manifestations themselves, into their whys, I started by including the I-want-form of the statement like you see below.

✍️ Start with "I want" statements to explore your desires. We’ll transform them into the with-manifest-form next.

  • I want to show the people around me that anything is possible. Like following a childhood dream and seeing it through to completion.
  • I love being me
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    By this point I was feeling better and wrote out the above

    ✍️ If something bubbles up unexpectedly—a phrase, a feeling—write it down. That's the exercise working.

  • I want to move in with G. in a beautiful home in the perfect location where we regularly host friends.
  • I want to be a source of inspiration, safety, hope and courage for my community + stability.
  • I want to have power to stand up for my community.
  • I want to feel safe from a system that is biased against transgender people.
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Once I was done with these I transformed my wants into the present tense to realize them within myself, and in doing so plant a seed, that with the right attention, will grow into our shared reality.

Wish Manifest Tense

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I have crossed out weaker versions of the spells below

✍️ Look at your "I want" statements. Rewrite each one in present tense ("I am" / "I have"). Cross out weak words like "feel" or "have the power to" and replace them with direct, powerful language like I’ve done below.

  • I feel free. I escape My money is not running out and nothing prevents me from following my heart and soul completely.
  • My mother and father have enough to retire.
  • I feel I am safe from a system that is biased against transgender people.
  • I stand up for my community.
  • (Additional) My community is safe.
  • I am a source of inspiration, safety, stability, and courage for I inspire, protect, stabilize, and embolden myself, my friends and loved ones; my entire community.
  • I live with G. in a beautiful house or apartment that's just right for us in the best location we could have asked for.
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Read your present-tense manifestations aloud. Feel them as already true. You're planting seeds.

On resolutions

I spent the rest of the evening watching Blue Velvet with T and performing the necessary aftercare for my recent wisdom teeth extraction. I transformed that day’s worth of grief into a really good day. I’m writing this section the morning after, and it’s unclear where today will lead me.

I know that I’m curious to feel the dissonance between the statements I planted inside myself yesterday and every-day-life. My hope is that in experiencing the rough edges of where the statements don’t hold up, I’ll be able to gently identify the pathways toward a reality in which all my wishes are true.

Interestingly, some may already be true. In which case the desire was merely an illusion draining my energy.

Time will tell.

Sweet dreams,

Koii